i remember..

    i remember when i had too much love to give but no one would accept it. i remember when i ran down the road naked when i was 2 with my cousin. i remember wishing i could do it again but getting caught. i remember when all i could do at the beach was play in the sand because the water was too deep. i remember stealing mail from people's mailboxes thinking it was free. i remember getting sent to my room while everyone else got to have fun. i remember looking through a telescope at the stars as a kid wondering what else is out there. i remember still wondering that every time i look up at the stars. i remember that kissing you was like sandpaper. i remember that i wanted to throw up after. i remember being chased during recess by boys.

     i remember when my grandpa died. i remember it being the toughest on me cause i was the closest to him. i remember when i found a e-cig in my sister's drawer. i remember not knowing what it was till my brother sucked it in. i remember when i was self conscious when i danced. i remember when i went to my first concert. i remember it being the neighborhood. i remember when i had to say bye to my best friend for 2 years. i remember crying myself to sleep. a lot. i remember when stake dances were cool. i remember them still being cool to me.

     i remember when my little brother put my hands around his throat pleading with me to kill him. i remember when social media didn't affect every aspect of my life. i remember feeling free. i remember when i didn't have to worry about what my life will be like after high school. i remember that my birthday was my favorite holiday because people paid attention to me. i remember that now its not because people pay attention to me. i remember when getting messy was a daily task that wouldn't be forgotten. i remember that looking up at the sky finding animals was my favorite thing to do in elementary school.

    

     i remember when depression didn't affect the ones that i love the most. i remember flying first class all alone. i remember it being the scariest thing ever. i remember when life was simpler. i remember when i didn't have to impress anyone but myself. i remember when i thought i was a rebel for saying a swear word. i remember when i had a bear named after my brother's friend who i had a crush on. i remember when being popular was the only thing constant on my mind. i remember when you changed that. 

To: High School From: Canyon

Man, High School. Why you so lame?
I thought you were going to be the time of my life but life has passed and all I'm left with is an empty bottle and loneliness.
You weren't meant to be this way.
full of sorrow, guilt and regret.
and I'm only 18.
My parent's think I have everything in check but I have no clue what I am doing.
I think I've changed from the girl I used to be.
And I miss her. Alot.
She was funny and loud.
She was one for the crowd.
But I'm on fast-forward heading for adulthood and sadly, I have to leave her behind.
and I'm only 18.
Another year rounding and sooner or later you'll be over.
But I'm not ready for that.
I'm not ready for the bills and meals.
I'm not ready for the gas and tax.
Just stay a little longer, please.
Just go a little slower, please.
Cause maybe I can change your fate.
I can be more out of this world and care-free.
I'm guessing it's bout time I be.
Cause I'm only 18 and life is ahead of me.

Broke

I broke my heart loving you.

But that was what you were meant to do.

mistakes, and regrets are passing through.

The only thing in my heart is you.

Get out now, Damn it.

Because I can't handle caring for a broken love anymore. 

I'm done being at war. 

I was once the face that you'd adore.

What changed?

Or was I just a toy.

I wanted you always and you wanted me then.

A one sided romance, beginning to end.

You ran far away, I begged you to stay.

You tore me apart, leaving me with a broken heart.

People always say keep your head up, and heart strong.

But I can't help thinking this is where you belong.

Wanderlust

My name is Canyon, 

                                Canyon Mount.

I love the Canyon. But I guess you probably could've guessed that cause it's literally written in my name. I love the pine trees, the sound of the creek rushing by on its way to new places. I love the break I get from the crazy world around me when I go in nature. No service, No agenda just the chance to get away and take an adventure. I love the different seasons and how they completely match my mood when I'm in nature. I love the fresh air that I take in that makes me recognize the pure beauty that surrounds me. I wish I was better at telling people how I really feel. Expecially about this.

When I'm in nature there's always that moment where the world freezes and I have absolutely no care in the world. I don't have to worry about college or the fight I just had with my parents. But sooner or later life will be over because life doesn't freeze its on fast forward.

Nature is the grasshoppers clicking in the dry air. It's the silver-white moon hanging in glory. It's watching the horizon drain of color. Nature is when I'm alone and I think and think and think. Nature is my daily therapy session. Nature isn't just a place to visit. It's home.

                       ITS MY HOME.

Tribute to the Departed

I saw you.
I saw you standing there smiling and acting all normal. But what i didn't know at the time is that you weren't happy. You weren't actually functioning the way that everyone else was.
Guilt
I never knew what that really meant until you faced it all alone. And of course i didn't know. I didn't know you were struggling. I wish i did. Because your beautiful face, your long hair, your magnifying smile is engraven in my heart and soul.
This is for you.
I am at a loss of words. The fact is i always admired you. The way you were able to engage with so many friends and have FUN. But i didn't know it was an act. You are the one who i always had a crush on. You were the one who was in the background to everyone else but not to me.
I wonder.
I wonder if you knew this now if it would've stopped you from taking your life. I wonder if i had just been a little less self centered and self conscious if it would've made an impact on you. I should've just smiled at you instead of acting "cool". I should've done so many things because who knows.
Who knows what it would've done to save you.
This world isn't the same without you being there to brighten up everyone's day.
So this is a tribute to the Departed Soul that brought laughter to my life.
You will be missed.

Dark Mornings

Dark Mornings know me best
they get the fears that I confess.
The cold heart that I've grown to know
will never let me begin to grow.

Fear of love, Fear of hate.
Fear of the future and what it holds.
Fear of people and their thoughts.
Fear of losing my own hope.

People pass me day to day
wondering how I became this way.
The loss of love, the loss of faith.
The loss of people along the way.

Afraid of giving to much love.
Afraid of being stepped on.
Afraid of not reaching my potential.
Afraid of you being completely gone.

My tears won't appear tonight
Im all cried dry.
Scarlet drops replace them now.
Im dead inside and out.

Scared of letting myself go.
Scared of letting the world know.
Scared of what you do to me.
Making me be completely free.

#STOLEN

#STOLEN

(I'll be updated every week with my favorite quote)

"sixteen was like trying to paint with a shaking hand."

- Arabella 

"We fear the bad. and we only tell people the good."

-Navy Skye

Don't get to comfortable

I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO FEEL COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN. To carry myself with confidence that shows everyone around me that I know where I am going. To talk without being afraid of what people think of me. 

Truth is I say I don't care what people think of me when I really do, I think everybody cares to some extent of what people think of them. Truth is I don't know where the hell I'm going but I'm okay with that because ive got time to figure that all out. And truth is I'm terrified to grow up. Truth is I went to sadies with a quiet guy last night because I love silence every once and a while.

I've often wondered why I'm not that girl that talks about everything with everyone without a care in the world, I wish I was. But then I realized that I compare myself to others around me too much and how unhealthy that is. It's time I stopped. AND THEN I WOULD FINALLY FEEL COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN.

How to be BASIC

Steps in becoming a BASIC WHITE GIRL

1. Be afraid to be judged.

2. Care about your appearance way too much.

3. Become addicted to Starbucks even if you think it's disgusting.

4. Watch Netflix everyday and tell people that it's your boyfriend.

5. Have a million selfies on your phone.

6. Be insecure about everything.

7. Assume your unique when your actually a BASIC WHITE GIRL.

Differences

Yeah, I'm different. But so are you..

-I have a phobia of feet if they come remotely near me I have a heart attach, literally.

-I don't care to wear makeup at all because I'm too lazy, I'd rather sleep in then have people think I look pretty.

-I'd rather be in the Mountains than at the beach. It's a different kind of beauty in the mnts than anywhere else.

-I've always wanted to be homeless. Well not in the way that you beg for money but just the thought that I wouldn't have to pay bills and wouldn't have  obligations for anything. I could live anywhere I wanted and work from the bottom up.

-My best friends are my siblings even though more than half of the time we're in a fight or just sick of each other.

-I'm a romantic in all ways but haven't had my first kiss yet.

-id rather sit and watch a movie than go to a party.

-I'm horrible at rapping, while the rest of my family is really good at it.

-I'm addicted to thrifting, I can't handle not getting the best stuff for an amazing price.

-my eyes change from blue to green to gray.

- I'm not a normal girl, I hate drama. 

-I'm a major backseat driver.

- I hate B&W movies but love B&W pictures.

LIFE'S TOO SHORT TO EVEN CARE AT ALL, SO I DON'T.

My Guilty Pleasures

List of my Guilty Pleasures

-Lana Del Rey, yeah all of her music is sexual but I still like her.

-The smell of Gasoline

-Justin Beiber. He's a total dutchbag but let's face it he's a freaken babe

- man buns. As long as a man has long enough hair to put it in a bun then I can date em' 

-cheesy 80's movies

-cussing

-sleeping in

- being lazy all day long

- Miley Cyrus

- PROCRASTINATION (exactly what I'm doing right now)

Natural disaster delight

Here's a poem that was written for me.

Eyes

A shade like tides

Skin

A welcome of Rays

Freckles come throughout the days

Out of rage

Extreme love

Extreme change

Black

        And 

               White

A fire fighters fight

Your love burns bright

Your heart turns light

      Sunami

      Tornado

                   Natural disaster delight

Perfect storms lie in the tide of your eye.

The Bricks that hurt the most.

My bricks are the days where I hurt most but I fake that I am okay.

My bricks are the days when all I want to do is curl up and cry.

My bricks are when I reach to the heavens for help but receive no answer.

My bricks are the fake friends that stab me in the back but I always go back to them cause who else would I go to.

My bricks are the days where I figure out my family is even more messed up then they seem to be.

My bricks are the lies told to my friends to receive their acceptance.

I am my own brick.

I try to look hard on the outside to hide what is really on the inside. 

I am a brick.

I am a friend that is dependable, sturdy and solid.

I am a brick.

I am the cornerstone brick of my family that holds us together when wind comes our way.

I am a brick.

As durable as I am there is still a possibility that I will break down.

I am a brick.

I'm awkward. I can't move, but I make for a great paper weight.

I am a BRICK.

                  

                      Underneath the hard shell that I portray 

                    I am a strong person who can take 

               anything that comes my way.

Rainy days

It rained today.☁️It made me think of you.  

How we are no longer together all of the time. How we no longer go on hikes and bask in the beauty of nature. How we no longer go to concerts that make my ears hurt from the speakers. How we no longer take midnight Del Taco runs. How we no longer go crazy at parties and dance till our feet hurt. How we no longer laugh till our stomaches hurt.

All I'm saying is I miss you and the life I had with you when you were by my side.

So it rained today and it made me think of you, like it always does.

Ghost to Me

Your a CANNON that hit me hard, 

I couldn't breathe.

Your a ROCK skipped on water.

Your a prick of a CACTUS,

That wasn't anticipated.

Your a CLOCK with no numbers.

Your my favorite SONG,

That eventually had to end.

Your a DAYDREAM while in class.

Your a WALK in the dark on a summer night.

Your the only MEDICINE I needed when I got sick.

I met you in a blood bank,

You made my heart skip a beat.

Every day was a memory,

And now your just a GHOST TO ME.

I am human.

I AM HUMAN.

Sometimes i am very antisocial. i just don't want to talk. its not that i hate everyone its just i hate high school and would rather sit there with my mouth closed then to talk, it takes too much effort.

i am human.

i cry myself to sleep when i am missing the people in my life that are no longer there anymore. its not that i'm sad, its just i miss the times when i was happier and i smiled more.

i am human.

i have my bad days like all others, but i am able to make it through it and hope for the better days.

i am human.

i can do hard things, like the fact i had to wake up at 6:30 on a Saturday to take the ACT. Waking up is hard.

i am human.

i make mistakes and i am able to learn from them.

I AM HUMAN.

Son Lux - Easy

This is for you.

To the homeless people who stand on the street corner, to the retired couple, to the girl who thinks she's too fat.

This is for you. 

To the Del Taco worker, to the stay at home mom, to the door to door salesmen.

This is for you.

To the lunch lady, to the loners who sits by themselves at lunch, to the new students.

This is for you.

To the English teachers, to the babysitters, to the angry parents when  you get home late.

This is for you.

To the cancer driven patients, to the adventure takers, to the AA members. 

This is for you.

For the jock football players, to the smoking hipsters, to the good students. 

THIS IS FOR YOU. 

I wish I was a kid again

I wish I was a kid again. To get soaked in the sprinklers on a summer day. To make mud pies when it's raining. To sleep in a fort you had made. Life is simple as a kid. Wake up. Eat. Play. Sleep. That's the life. To play dress up. To go bug hunting. To get lost. 

But childhood isn't just abunch of laughs and giggles as it is said to be. The bullying, and the sharing candy was the biggest trial our little minds could think of. Life was easier as a kid. Childhood was a different world. I wish I could be a kid again.

Disappear with the night

"Welcome to the land of misfit toys." In a way that quote describes high school, the trouble to fit in even though in the end none of us do. We are all misfit toys in one way or another. We all try our hardest to be something we aren't or can't be. So, "Welcome, welcome to the land of misfit toys." Where we can care no longer of the judging eyes watching our every move. Where we can show our true colors without being scared to be discouraged by others. "Welcome to the life of a misfit toy." We are no longer going to stand by and try to fit in, we are no longer going to disappear with the night. Life is not purely to be a bystander and watch things going on around you, life is for experiences and struggles, and high school is just a little piece of that.

So, I guess this is my intro. Well lets face it, this isn't much of an intro but it doesn't matter much because this blog about me. Its about the fall canyon rides that make me feel real small. Because the world is bigger than just me and the people I talk to. Its about the summer meteor shower watching, and the Ireland visits. Because the world is a wonder and I'm the wanderer exploring it. Its about the dancing till my feet hurt kind-of nights, the people I want to be like but know I won't ever be like them because I am me. Canyon. Canyon Mount.